The Pains of Love

Love…Besides members of my family and a few friends, I cannot recall a time I have sincerely loved anyone. Recently, however, during my walks, while my black and blue Vans shoes crunch crisp autumn leaves beneath me, I have found myself dreaming that - like the orange and red speckled trees surrounding me and gracefully whistling in the wind - I have also found a partner as loving and supportive as the roots anchoring my inanimate icons.

Sex is desirable, however, more coveted are the subtle shows of affection found in relationships where the attraction is not only found in the physical sense but also the emotional and intellectual form.

I dream of an unbreakable love that thrives because I have fallen for how passionately she pursues her goals, for how playful and immature she can act, for how lost I can become in her gaze and in her words. For how kind she is to each person who undoubtedly has a story of their own, and for everything that she is, mind, body, and spirit. 

Oftentimes, though, I am also happy to have never loved. I guess I'm scared… Scared that what I view as an unbreakable love she views as an experiment. Scared that I'll spend a lifetime trapped in a cage of agony as painful as love is blissful. 

One's mind is uncontrollable and volatile - impossible to reason with much less to command. If I cannot even prevent myself from wanting love, what hopes do I have of protecting myself from the loss of it? 

Although, perhaps pain itself is crucial in the journey to find love. After all, without pain, the path we all traverse called "life" may never lead us to love since we seek love in order to quell the experience we call "pain."

Perhaps instead of fearing pain, we ought to love and indulge in it so that - like the aforementioned autumn trees - we may whistle in the wind and find that our anchor was within us all along. 

Have faith that, when the time is right, an unbreakable external love will cross your path on the road of "life."

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I wrote what is above when I was 18. I am now 20 and will be turning 21 in August...Since then, I still have yet to experience a relationship; however, I recently started to consider whether or not the love I idealized and obsessed over was born out of insecurity.

The love I have always wanted has still only clearly revealed itself in my relationships with family and friends, and maybe that is love in its true form. Or maybe, whatever love one shares with their partner was never meant to be stable.